Sex work and living abundantly

Cushla

February 24, 2021


I want to show within my job that saggy and lopsided titties, or a pigmented asshole and flappy vagina is beautiful and sexy and desirable. When you follow people like me and you see me being a mom and you see me being a twerk queen, you see me crying, you see me have relationship issues, and then you see my OnlyFans and you're like oh she's this multifaceted human! She's an amazing woman. She's a daughter. She's a mother; she's not just a hoe- you know what I mean? 


My first favourite question: thinking back to when you were a kid, what did you want to be when you were growing up? Did you have any grandiose ideas of your life when you were a kid?

Not really. I mean, I think I was a pretty standard child that wanted to be someone who made good money and that seemed impressive to other people. I had a few phases as a kid actually. At one point I wanted to be a chef; I don't know why, I'm crap at cooking! So bad. At one point, once I got older I wanted to be a psychologist. Then once I was actually in high school I wanted to be a music journalist. That was my whole thing, so that's what I wanted to be and obviously I'm none of those things but I'm very happy.

 

If you think back like maybe, let's say 10 years ago - How do you think you changed as a person? In terms of what your values were, what you thought your life was like, where you were as a person to what it is now? 

Well definitely, I mean my life now is focused on what I want and what I truly desire and what actually brings me joy. I feel like when I was younger, even just five years ago, my life was very much consumed by what I thought it should be. By what I saw my mum and dad do, what I saw my family doing. I didn't realise that I truly could have any life that I wanted and make it up along the way and create it for myself. 

Me sitting down and realising that I wasn't living a life that I liked at all...yeah. I worked in sales and marketing and although I did enjoy it and it was a great job with great people, it wasn't what my soul wanted to do. It did nothing for my spirit. I pretty much had like a full-on physical and mental breakdown one moment when I was getting ready for work. It was a very hectic time at my job. We had back-to-back meetings, I was hosting all these functions, doing all these things; it was so busy. I just fully just started screaming. I was screaming my house down and I had a crazy release, a crazy panic attack. My brother had picked me up off the floor and I was like “I'm not going to work ever again” and he was like “okay cool, I got you. It's going to be fine. Don't worry about it, it's just a job, it's just a job. All that matters is you, and you being a mum and if you feel like you're going to be a happier woman and a happier mother without that job - leave it!” and just to hear that reassurance from somebody that I looked up to and I trust was like damn! it's not that big of a deal. 

I can actually just quit this job even though it was everything I worked for. I had been manifesting it for years. I did all of the steps and put so much work into it because other people in my life were like “Are you gonna throw that away? Are you kidding? Look where you're going! Look where the next step is for you. It's amazing!” But I didn't want that step anymore.

Building on this new or emerged identity; what was that process? Sometimes when people tell their story when they were kids and they've always wanted to be a chef and then one day when they get older they're like, you know what? Fuck it! I'm gonna be a chef! Did you have something bubbling inside for a while like that? 

I've always wanted to dance and when I was a little kid I used to choreograph things. I did kapa haka, so performing was something that I was pretty good at and I really enjoyed. It's just something that's in my family. But then I got to an age where drugs, alcohol and boys took over any ambitions that I had. So really, my process was getting back to my child self. I feel like where I'm at as a 26 year old woman; I resonate more with my four year old self than my 14 year old self. Do you know what I mean? When I was at the purest form of my child soul. I feel like I'm getting back to that now because I don't give a fuck what other people think about me. I don't take on other people's opinions; not even my own friends and family. I do things my way and it's all coming from my own place of truth.

There's this awesome author and advocate - Sonya Renee Taylor; she's an American that lives in Aotearoa. She writes about radical body love and shaking off that body terrorism that society puts on us. She talks about how we need to come back to our child self - like we didn't used to have these fears of our belly rolls or singing too loud or being too much. 

Yeah! We don't have any ideas of who or how we should be as a child- that's why children are so damn free because they have no worries. They're not worrying about what other people think of them, which is beautiful. I think if as an adult you can get back to that state; that's a whole lot of freedom and a whole lot of happiness.

How was that process to come back to your truth and change your life, when it came to people around you? Were they like “Oh my god! She's loving herself! That’s too much!” [laughs]

We can't handle that shit for sure [laughs]. There were a couple of stances. One was on how much I show my body and how much I express my emotions. That kind of made people feel some type of way. Another was about the way that I make money now, which is not the norm. I'm technically self-employed. I make adult content, so not everyone is on board, like my parents. 

They see that I'm doing exactly what they taught me to do; which is to live my authentic truth and I'm happy. I'm a good mom. I'm living independently. I'm doing all these things I want to do, so at the end of the day I know my mom just takes an outside look. Take away all the OnlyFans, Instagram, the booty pics, and the twerking - at the end of the day I'm doing what makes me happy. I'm doing what fuels my soul. So, she can't really be mad at that. It's what it comes down to. When they see how happy I am and they see how I'm just being so honest. I'm living honestly in a way that feels good to me; they're like “You know what? Who really cares” and “I still love you.” “You're still a good girl.” “You're still my daughter.” “You're still my sis.” 

So none of that extra stuff really matters. 

Did that take a moment for them? To kind of, go through that motion? 

It's mostly just my mum, and because she's kind of the only one who feels entitled to say something about my life, if anyone else in my family would feel some type of way they'd be like “Oh, it’s none of my business, let her do her thing.” So there's definitely been a lot of conversations and a lot of inner work for her. I suppose because the way I live my life is not a way that she would ever live her life. So it's triggering for her, and difficult. It's been a process with my mum. It was just about me standing strong, knowing who I am and not letting her fear create fear within me. Her fear is “How are people going to think of you?” “What is your child going to think of you?” “What about your future husband?” So from her perspective, I get it. However, I'm the next generation who doesn't have to live in fear. I don't have to. I love that she's lived her way being a very conservative, committed, loyal mother and wife. I love that for her. Having a very traditional and conservative lifestyle, but she needs to understand that that's just not for me. 

I love it. I love the whole accepting the generational thing as well like, you know I don't want to carry that generational expectation. I'm choosing to live my life this way.

Acknowledging the privilege that I have to be able to choose; my mum has been in abusive relationships where she had no choice. She's been in really tough situations and because she did that work, I don't have to. I don't have to continue that. So me living my life so freely is really a part of her work. It's really the things that she put in that have allowed me to live this life and to have all of these choices, to just do whatever I want. That's a crazy privilege. 

How did you decide to get into adult content? What was that process in terms of marketing and selling? It's way harder than people might think, right? 

The more and more free I got within myself and the more comfortable I felt with being out the gate doing things differently it just came very naturally. I've always always wanted to do adult content. Actually when I was with my son's dad years ago, I said that I wanted to be a camgirl and I was going to start that whole journey. I also wanted to be a sugar baby. I was just very interested in that kind of lifestyle. I'm a very naturally sensual person. I'm very confident in my body, I'm very confident in my sexuality and my performance so it was just a really natural progression. I've been on Only Fans now for well over a year. I was talking to my sister and she's the sister I go to if I want to hear ‘yes’. She's the one where I'm like “Okay so I'm thinking of doing this thing, it's kind of like porn but it's not porn, I promise.” She was just like “Do it! Do it! Do porn if you want to do porn and go all the way. Do it. If you want to get on the pole, I'm here. Do it!” and I was like “Okay.” That's all I needed. Let's get going on a journey. 

Has that evolved much in a year?

I'm way more about business and my mahi. I'm getting my work done. I’m getting my shit done. Before, it was like something cute I was trying out to express myself and to be seen in a different way. It was also filling the demand. People were asking me for adult content, and I was like “You know what? Fucking send me some money and I'll think about it.” So people started sending me money and I was like okay, I need to do this properly. Let's get on the platform, let's do the whole thing. It has evolved so much. I've learned so much. Obviously it's evolved to a point where now I can just live off of that. 

The kind of person I think does well in this job is someone who owns it and is not secretive about it. There's no shame, all their friends and family know; that's just from my experience. They're the ones that generally do the best. They're really about that life. Whereas if you're doing it as a secret or just something on the side, that's all it will reward you with. Whereas I treat this as my real life job. This is my job. I go to work, I’m still a mom and it treats me like a job. If you take it seriously, it will treat you seriously in the rewards. 

Did you have a good relationship with your body or sex or porn even before you got into that work? 

Well definitely, as a teen my relationship with my body was very bad, up until quite recently to be honest. I've been through multiple types of eating disorders and self-harm and stuff like that because. I had a very bad self-esteem so obviously that's all changed now. I'm embracing my body now.

I had a very unhealthy relationship with sex and it sometimes still manifests that way. I looked for sex for comfort, for love - all of those things that you do when you're young. I also only saw sex as a way to gratify and pleasure men. I didn't really understand how much say I had in the sex that I had. I didn't understand that I had a voice and that I could use it. That my no meant no.

In terms of pornography, I also had an unhealthy relationship with it. I definitely formed a sex addiction and a pornography addiction at a young age. I was pretty much addicted to anything that made me feel good really. I over consumed everything and I definitely thought that porn was normal and real. I was going around having threesomes on a Tuesday, asking my girlfriends “Do you not do that? That's not normal? Oh. You don't just fuck the pizza guy? Okay!” Apparently, it was just me and the porn stars doing all that [laughs]. 

Doing this kind of work, like my OnlyFans, has definitely made me feel even more comfortable with my body. You have to have some body confidence to even start that. But now, I’m loving my vulva so much more because of my OnlyFans and because of all the women and men that message me and tell me how beautiful it is. I love that! Especially when a woman messages me like “Oh my god! I've never seen a pussy that looks like mine in porn and yours is exactly the same and it's so fucking beautiful and I don't know why I don't love mine as much as I love watching you!” You know what I mean? I'm like “Well, there you go! It's all just normal. It's normal behaviour!” 

My pussy is normal, and so is my dark butthole. I want to show within my job that saggy,  lopsided titties, a pigmented butthole and a flappy vagina are beautiful, sexy and desirable. 

For example my mum didn't teach me a lot about sex. When I was about 12, she said to me “When you start having sex, just let me know and I’ll put you on the pill.” Done. That was our conversation done there. There was no, not even safe sex, just nothing, nothing. At the end of the day, she gave me all that she was comfortable with within herself. I still don't know her relationship with sex. I have no idea. That being said, she did the best that she could with what she had.

As adults we need to make the decision to dive deep into ourselves and figure out our relationship with sex so that we can empower our kids because if you don't do it for yourself, you can't do it for anyone else. So it's just all of these adults continuing the cycle of like “I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to see it.” and probably doing that within their own sex lives, with their own relationships - and then it just passes on to their kids and then we create this fucking generation of kids who have no idea about sex. Who have no idea about consent. Who have no idea about their rights, their bodies and their functions. We're trying to fix that now. We're trying to teach ourselves so that we can teach our friends, so that we can all teach our kids together. It's such important work to me. I'm super passionate about it and I really hope that one day in my journey I'll be able to actually teach kids and especially young girls and young boys about sex, about porn, about consent, about their bodies. I know for a fact, if I was educated properly, it could have prevented serious sexual trauma and it could have prevented me from thinking that that was normal. That's all. It's all about just creating empowered people who have a say and have rights and understand what they can and can't do with their body and what's normal. 

Being Māori, is there a different relationship to that part of you in regards to sex work or whether it's spirituality or whether it's being open about your work? Do you think it's a bit different how you perceive that versus you know a pākeha person who would do similar work?

Potentially. I feel like being in touch with your sexuality and your body is a part of decolonisation. We weren't made to be ashamed of our bodies. We certainly weren't made to be ashamed of trans people and gay people. That is not how as people, Māori were. That's not how we are naturally. That is what was ingrained and what we were colonised to think and to believe. So for me, the mahi that I do aligns with my culture in the sense that I have no shame and that's really important to me. I did have a whole thing about getting my tā moko and I was wondering if I could continue my work; within myself, not because anyone said I couldn't do it; I was just like, “Does this sit right?” but the first thing I did after I got my tā moko was fucking film! Because, this is who I am and all this means is a new part of me has been revealed to the world. But, it is me. When you look at it, it's always been there. It feels like it's always been a part of me. So it's for me to say “Oh no, I can't do sex work now because I've got a tā moko” is like me denying my truth. When it all aligns; all of this is who I am. All of this is a part of me and my expression, and I have no reason to stop that or to be ashamed of that, no matter my culture.

Cush, you are fucking amazing, thank you so much! Honestly, I'm so excited about this! 

Thank you so much for having me! When I read the questions, I was like “Oh she's serious! She means business, she knows exactly what she's doing, she's so professional. I'm so impressed. I was legit excited especially after I read the questions. I was like “Okay these are awesome questions”, like I can't wait to do this.

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